"Twilight" by Stephanie Meyer

I wasn't going to read this, but all the sparkly text and crazy fangirl hystrionics on OhNoTheyDidn't piqued my curiosity.  It took a couple of goes to get into it, but once the story hooked me, I found it difficult to put the book down -- except for those moments when I had to stop and shriek at my flatmate, "SPARKLY VAMPIRES!" or "VAMPIRE BASEBALL!" or "WHY IS BELLA SO STUPID?"  These moments came increasingly often as I reached the climactic chapters, until I simply reached the point where I had to stop and flail around laughing. 

The plot -- Twilight seems to be one of those publishing phenomenons where somehow the plot itself isn't common knowledge -- revolves around Bella Swan, a classic Sue whose primary skills seem to be having a martyr complex, attracting trouble, and falling down.  She moves to the rain town of Forks to live with her father after some banal shenanigans make it impossible to live with her mother.  Actually, that's not strictly true, but like I said, one of Bella's superpowers is Being a Martyr.  At her new school, Bella is instantly feted as the queen of the social scene -- everyone likes her except (shock!) the impossibly beautiful Edward Cullen.  Who is a vampire.

(Particularly grating is Bella's OUTRAGE that the normal boys of Forks like her and want to spend time with her, and express this by being friendly and openly indicating that they have a romantic interest in her.  I mean, sure, it's awkward being the subject of unwanted romantic attention -- or so I've heard -- but at least they're not playing creepy mind games and breaking into her house to watch her sleeping, because that would be -- oh, hang on...)

Edward doesn't actually hate Bella, he simply lusts after her.  I mean, wants to suck her blood.  I mean, sniff after her creepily.  Bella apparently poses a threat to the entire non-evil vampiric subculture, so of course Edward asks her to go steady with him.  But not until they've spent many, many, many chapters engaged in tedious 'banter' that is possibly intended to remind the reader of Pride and Prejudice, or at least, remind the reader of some fanfic based on a loose film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. 

Then they hook up, and Edward glitters in the sun a bit.

Then some evil vampires turn up, one of whom is obsessed with Bella.  Why?  Beats me -- by the end, I was of the opinion that she's too stupid to live.  Apparently there are sequels -- well, there's no "apparently" about it, I can see the sequels from where I'm sitting -- but unless they involve Bella Swan and the entire town of Forks being obliterated in a nuclear devastation, I don't plan to read them.

(Wait, I lie -- apparently one of the sequels features Edward demonstrating his love for Bella by cutting her brakes, and that's the kind of hilarity I enjoy.)

Twilight should be taken as mindless fun, but it has a lot of subtextual ugliness that makes its popularity disquieting.  Bella is one of the most useless, insipid heroines I've encountered in a long time -- and I genuinely love Fanny Price, btw -- while Edward is like a textbook example of a creepy stalker boyfriend.  There's a strong element of wish fulfillment -- average girl attracts bad boy who's willing to change for her -- but I cannot be comfortable with a text that portrays abuse as love.  Apparently, the series is popular for its abstinence subtext -- Edward and Bella can't be together until their relationship has taken the proper form, that is, Bella's a vampire -- but possibly parents should be wondering if it's really a good idea to conflate "marriage" with "death". 

Or, possibly, I'm overthinking.  When a series has become this massive, and when you're paying $29.99 for a paperback -- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, by comparison, is a measly $22.99 -- thinking becomes almost mandatory.